the Anywhere Clinic

 "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

Last week, I texted "It doesn't hurt to look at other options" to a friend who was considering moving. I have been thinking about that all week. I think I was wrong. Change hurts. It hurts to look at other options, because the very act of looking acknowledges the possibility of imminent change, and changing hurts. For me, right now, the unwillingness to let go of the routine that works is strong. I feel a lot of resistance inside me, a lot of fear against reaching toward an unknown future that may be better than now, because it is hard for me to imagine being happier than this. Change is on the horizon for me. Change is coming, implacable and inevitable, and I struggle to accept this truth.

When you look at other options, maybe ones that are better than your now, it can also put into sharp, painfully sharp relief just how suboptimal your current reality is. I always knew this was a possibility, which is why I didn't travel at all last year; give me a little to myself and I realize things. I notice things that could be changed, and then I start things that can't be stopped, and by the time I get home it's too late to keep the changes from coming, and all I can do is scream inside my dreams, "Not yet...!" I am not ready, but I never am. I never feel ready for the changes that come to me, the opportunities, the revelations...they are not mine to choose per se, but the choices are mine and I will have to live with the consequences of my action or inaction, whichever way I go.

Oh, but I like things to stay the same.