the Anywhere Clinic

"I want to know how much of your life you spend just giving
and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes?"

~Andrea Gibson

My daily self-care routines are fraying, a bit. Yesterday I poured myself hot water with lemon after taking my basal body temperature for my BBT chart on FertilityFriend.com (tracking BBT is great for monitoring metabolism as well as fertility...I'm trying to get a sense of why I'm spotting before my period) and then let the water go cold updating my blogs, this one and the one on my capstone. I am doing the mindfulness exercise that Tamsin taught and I modified every other day instead of daily, shaking my body to Laughing Drums by Osho and then lying down to slow breathe to Air Two by Daniel Bernard Roumain...it only takes 22 minutes, and I ask myself some days how can it be possible that I can't take 22 minutes for myself, out of an entire day...? 

Why can't I take myself hot tubbing alone, when I am the one who has the code to the door that works midnight to midnight Tuesday through Sunday (the owner, he cleans the tub on Mondays)? Why can't I get on my bicycle and just go for a ride, with no particular destination in mind, like I did on the first day of summer weeks ago? What is so important that it cannot wait for me to breathe a little? What makes schoolwork, or other people's requests and needs and agendas, more important than taking care of myself in some small ways? Why am I so ready to sacrifice my time, pick up the phone while I'm meditating, stay up late booking a hotel room or reading, sit for hours recording and editing and never take even a minute to stretch?

Why am I only motivated to tend to the garden of my soul when it is bombarded by difficult feelings?

These are good questions. I think of Satish, who made me do the shaking to drums for an entire hour before lying down to breathe a guided meditation for the heart chakra, asking me to drink water daily and lie down for 3 minutes every 3 hours to come back to my breath, and my body, "Do you love yourself enough to do this every day?"

I want the answer to be yes.